Safe undesirable solitude

Are we creatures of solitude or partnership? Most of the time I feel like a life of solitude would be perfect. No pain, no struggles, no need to worry about anyone but myself. But a glimps of the alternative peeks through the curtain. I am intrigued by the notion of caring for another. With this caring comes sharing and I give it whole heartily without judgement or worry. I free fall into the dream of a partnership and hope I never hit bottom. 

Then I see the bottom. It looks scary. I am not sure how far away the bottom is or how fast I am falling. I begin to wonder if I will bounce, go splat, or wake up upon impact.

I feel like I am in a dream. Not a good dream or nightmare but something inbetween. I start off scared. Unsure of what is happening and how I will begin. I am searching through a crowd for a familiar face. Then I hear my name and turn to find a hand that welcomes my hand into his. I feel a hand and a tug on the small of my back that pulls me in closer. A sweet gentle kiss is placed on my cheek and then on my lips. Then my body runs cold. The familiar face turns away and my hand is released with a violent shake.

I turn my head and begin my search for the once familiar face but every face in the crowd is cold and distant. I have no sense of direction. No idea where I am. The room is going dark. I begin to push aside the shadowy bodies in the crowd. It is getting harder to push aside the bodies. I feel like I am never going to find my way out. The air becomes thin and I begin gasping for breath. I fall to the ground but continue to fall through the floor. Nothing breaks. Nothing shattered. I just start falling when my body collapsed. There is a shimmering light source below me. It is getting closer, closer, closer....

I am then standing in front of a door. I have a key in my hand and place the key into the locked door. I turn the key. The door opens and there is the familiar face. I feel safe again. I walk through the door. I then wake up and try to recall what the familiar face looks like.

My natural comfortable feelings towards solitude are gone. They are no longer natural. I yearn for the other. I desire the other. I want the physical and the emotional attachments of partnership. My heart aches for it and I feel suffocated by the desires and emotions for another.

Yet, it never works out. While in the real world, I offer my hand, my lips, and my heart to the familiar faces in the crowd. I find a single face to share my yearnings with but nothing transpires. I feel the pressing of lips onto mine. I even feel the tug at my back to draw me in and close. My heart beats so hard I am afraid the face will see the pounding my chest. My body begins to warm and a sexual desire builds inside me. Then there is no response. My emotions are ignored and the once familiar face walks away with no response to my desires.

My heart breaks and I begin to cry. "Why did I let his happen to myself? Why did I think this would work?" The desire for solitude blankets my bruised emotional heart. I start to fight back the tears until I will the tears to stop falling. I take a deep breath. I breath again... and again. I then pull down back the curtain and walk in. I am once again alone. Solitude is safe. Noone can hurt me here.