Friends

Friend. I often wonder what this term really means. People fall in and out of friendships all the time. I know I have. I have had best friends, close friends, boy friends and girl friends. Some of these friendships have lasted for years while other were over with a blink of an eye. 

Let us look at one of my close friends. This friend has been in my life for many years but the friendship has grown apart. We have grown apart. This friend has hurt my feelings, slept with one of my past partners, and still comes to me during times of need. This friend does not sound like a close friend from this description. However, the longevity of the friendship is what keeps the friendship going. That is all. I no longer confide my deepest feelings nor do I disclose my romantic feelings about others. I guess I have trust issues that stem back to the earlier tiffs in our friendship. But I still feel compelled to talk to her when she is around and in ask her to any social gatherings I set up. It seems to be the decent thing to do.

On the other hand, I have a friend that I often hope would be more than a friend. The more we hang out, the more my friendship fades into a pool of desire for physical contact and emotional belonging. I hope with each new friendly outing we would eventually become more than friends... but I now know that we will never be more than friends. I have to push away and ignore any future feelings just so that we can still be friends. It is not an easy thing to do. I feel a stong attachment to my friend. I get jealous when I hear about thier escapades with others. I never usually get jealous of such things but this friend has caught me, hook line and sinker, but does not realize it.

Strange to think that I have more of an emotional attachment with my friend versus my close friend. Who would have thought that as a close friendship disintegrates another one festers and boils over.